Ask Audrey: Guten tag. Vot the f**k is the story with your cycle lanes?

'Ask Audrey' has been the newspaper's hysterical agony aunt “for ages, like”.

Ask Audrey: Guten tag. Vot the f**k is the story with your cycle lanes?

I’m on the committee for Model Farm Road Residents Who Would Like to Make It Quite Clear We’re Not Racists. We’re holding a coffee morning in my house this Sunday, wall-to-wall high net worth individuals, to raise funds for a new direct provision centre on the far side of Ballincollig, or maybe somewhere on the northside. There are still a few tickets left if anyone is interested — I’ve an enormous house really — and this would be a fantastic opportunity for a bit of networking over nibbles. We’re great admirers of your cheeky column here on the MFR (Model Farm Road) and would you like to come along and say a few words?Dora, MFR, any chance you could bring a photographer from the ‘Examiner’?

No. I’m not sure I’m the right person for that kind of event — have you considered Noel Grealish? Oh, and please stop using MFR for the Model Farm Road — the correct abbreviation is BTWCIBM (Bishopstown Types Who Came Into a Bit Of Money.)

Hey, Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors With American Accents. I’m wearing a lightweight rainproof jacket I got on a website that is so exclusive, you need to be invited to shop there by a member of the 1%.(I’m close with Bono – get over it.)I am currently in a relationship with a hotty from Dublin Hill, which is a source of embarrassment to my Mom, and I forgive myself for that. Anyway, this chick WhatsApped me last night with a message that read, “What’s up doc, fancy going to Lanzers for Chrimbo with me and me Mam?” Who’s this Lanzers?Dr Ken, Douglas Road, I have a TED talk tackling the reason why highly intelligent people can go years without sex.

Let me guess – it’s necessity. Good news — Lanzers is not a person who is going to threaten your relationship. The bad news is it’s Norry-Speak for Lanzarote. I looked it up online there for you — Lanzarote is the Spanish word for ‘Just because it’s sunny in December doesn’t make it right’. #Mouthful

Giddy with anticipation here Chez Monica. In fact the entire Blackrock Road is buzzing because the new series of ‘The Crown’ is back on Netflix this weekend. We all agree it must be a balls being a member of the Royal family, pretending to have something in common with people who live in terraced housing. I’ll be there shouting at the telly:“Move to Ireland Liz, rich people over here can sail through life with zero obligations to people called Wayne or Shirley.” Anyway, I was thinking, how fittingly royal of me it would be to celebrate ‘The Crown’ by throwing a garden party this weekend. Do you think it would look bad if we flew a few Union Jacks?Monica, Blackrock Road, any chance you’d send out a photographer from the ‘Examiner’?

No! My niece is a fierce republican, she had Ooh Aaah Up The Ra as the first dance at her wedding. I said, would you get offended if you saw this on the Blackrock Road? She said, is ea. (That’s her only bit of Irish.) I said why? She said because I wasn’t invited. #Paaar-tay

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where we mocked a fox to death and drank premium port from an incredible gold chalice we knicked from the Egyptians. Huzzah! Anyway, rather delicate stage of the election over here and we don’t want it all ruined by an episode of Boring Being Boris. As a result, we have decided to replace him with a Labrador in an over-sized suit, and stow the real blighter over there in Paddy Land until the coast is clear and we can put the blundering idiot back in Downing Street. Do you know a good place to hide him?Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, lots of Cornwall, he’s insisting that he doesn’t want to meet an oik for at least six months.

I’d love that. I said to my Posh Cousin, where would be a good place to hide a posh horn-dog with an English accent? She said, sounds like a job for Kinsale! #Hilaire #BecauseItsTrue

Guten tag. I have been living in Ireland now for two months now and I must say I like your crack and the way you never say yes when I invite you to a party in my house at the weekend, in case you get a better offer. However, vot the fuck is the story with your cycle lanes? (I am related to Ralf, the German guy on Gogglebox — it is the way we speak in our family.) I am trying to save the planet by cycling to my boring job, but there is always a car parked in the lane with the flashers on, forcing me on to the road. Why is this?Jurgen, Dortmund and Ovens, would you like to come to a party in my house this weekend?

No. (#ItsAnOvensThing) My nephew likes shaming cycle-lane parkers on Twitter, he said it gets him a fair amount of sex, but with the wrong kind of girl. I said, how come you see so many flashers around Cork? He said, it’s probably the mild climate. #DirtyMacBrigade

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