I suffered from terrible judgment in my 30s and ended up marrying a guy from Mallow. I’m literally paying for it to this day. The problem is his brother — the jammy gobshite made a fortune from a land deal during the boom and now he’s loaded. The thing is, he travels around without any cash or wallet as if he was the Queen of England, so we end up picking up the bill anytime we are out with him and his 15-grand boobs girlfriend. My husband, aka Useless-Man, is never going to deal with this, so as usual it’s down to me to have a word. What can I say?
– Maura, Mallow, not by choice.
I talk about this in my new podcast, Would You Ever Put Your Hand in Your Pocket You F**king Tight Git. My sister asked me if it’s based on anyone we know. I said it is actually. She said who. I said, me. (We’re saving for a summer house in Inchydoney.)
Myself and My Ken are having the time of our lives here in Cork Airport departures, playing Drugs or Lotto. This is where you watch obvious Norries getting on a posh flight and try to guess where they got their money from. It’s an absolute laugh unless you have that third mojito and decide to approach the Norries and ask them to confirm the answer. (Ken still has a scar over his nose from last year.) Anyway, I just said to Ken wouldn’t this make a great TV game show and he said, I’ve never loved you so much. Could you arrange a few meetings with TV producers when I get back from a 7-star resort on the Algarve that you couldn’t possibly afford?
– Noelle, Montenotte.
My nephew has a job in the media because he doesn’t mind working for 30 quid a week. I said, do you think people would watch this kind of show? He said no. I said why! He said, because the new thing now is observing vulgar nouveau riche types in the flesh. I said how do you know? He said, all the tour buses heading for Ballincollig. #Safari
Story, wha? We decided to go to Kerry on the hollyers this year, because we went to Cork last year, and I don’t want to seem rude, but yiz are unbearable gobshites with yizzers Real Capital shite and that. Unfortunately, and nobody told me, there are more of yiz on holidays here in Kerry than we came across last year. We’re nearly afraid to go out in case someone decides to talk to us in yizzers comical accent wha. So, like, if I cancel now, will I get me money back from the travel insurance?
– Story Rory, Dublin.
My brother works in insurance, he finds it a great outlet for his chronic dishonesty. I said, what will happen if Story Rory makes a claim. He said, his premium will go up by 75%. I said what will happen if he doesn’t make a claim. He said, his premium will go up by 75%. #Shameless
Hey man. Just because I’m from Ballintemple doesn’t mean I’m not on first name terms with a lot of people from the lower orders, often because that name is stitched on their shirt when they deliver something to my family’s 2.3 million euro house. (Shout out to Deccie, awesome pizza dude.) So, I bumped into this girl I used to date in school on the South Mall, and she’s in like hot office gear because she sold out to the man and I’m like, I’m in here for nostalgia nooky until she asks what I’m up to and I say ‘todally looking after bees.’ After that, I might as well have been an actual northsider. (I refuse to call them Norries.) So like, I’m thinking of doing a degree or something to make myself more attractive to office hotties. What do you reckon?
– Ed, Ballintemple.
My cousin works in U.C.C. as long as you’re relaxed about the meaning of the word ‘work’. #EasyGoing. I emailed her there and said, do you think your degree has improved your love life? Her reply was an out of office - I am currently out with a stiff toe, I’ll be back at my desk when it suits me. #Cheeky.
C’mere, my old doll is pure Norry now like, two of her uncles even have their own recipe for drisheen. But she do be inclined to get her head turned by guys with sailing tans, such as this new bloke at her job who do actually be called Kai. (He do be from Crosshaven.) I met him at their summer BBQ last night and he was all over her like octopus-style and I said nathin, even though she was giving him that look I thought was reserved for me when she’s on for a bit of the auld bangy-bangy? So like, how can I persuade her it will never work out with her and this langer Kai?
– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.
Time for the internet. I said Alexa, tell me something awful that could come between a northsider from Cork city and Crosshaven. She said Carrigaline. #Hilaire.