Ask Audrey: C’mere, what’s the story with 130 grand a year for doing nathin?

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Hello old stock, I’ve been forced to stand down as CEO of my own company (South Mall) after an incident last Friday evening. I can’t go into the details, but if I was to give advice to a young fella starting out in business these days, it would start with, “be careful how you use the word Brazilian around a stunning intern from Rio De Janeiro.”

The good news is they have created a new role for me, Junior Senior Vice President Special Projects Going Forward South East Asia and Mallow. The idea is that people will lose interest halfway through and fail to notice that I’m still CEO. Do you think it will work?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I’m a total bag of tricks.

Nice bit of rhyming slang. A name change can work wonders for your reputation. People who admire CIT now as a great place to get an education forget that the RTC was actually short for Real Tough Culchies. (I changed what the C stood for to get it past the lawyers.) #UCC4ever

Oh lads, wait til I tell ya. I had to go home to Kanturk last weekend to mind Daddy because Mammy is in hospital with her piles too much detail, and anyway didn’t I bring the new boyfriend Jurgen with me (the shoulders on him) only for Daddy to go a bit strange saying don’t mention the war because Jurgen is German and long story short it wasn’t too bad because Daddy let him sleep with me and Jurgen liked that in my old bedroom because all the Germans do be a bit pervy that way but like now I’m worried we have to go back down again this weekend because the piles aren’t great and I’m worried Daddy will start goose-stepping how can I stop him?

– Deborah, Cork and Kanturk.

My cousin the psychoanalyst has just written a book on dealing with embarrassing old people, it’s called 10 Things to Try Before You Lock Them in The Shed.

I said, I’m after getting a letter from a North Cork woman with verbal diarrhoea. She said, as if there’s any other kind.

C’mere, what’s the story with 130 grand a year for doing nathin?

The old doll seen a thing on the news which said they might be having elections for Lord Mayor now in Cork, and you do get 130 grand a year for being driven around to say “ye do be a grand bunch of boys and girls, have a halfer there for yeerselves and tell your Mam and Dad that I do be the berries.”

I’ve already started watching all the Game of Thrones for strategy ideas, now all I need to do is come up with a policy that will work on both sides of the river. So, like, what do people be wanting on the southside?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My niece, Lefty Lisa, is a big fan of local politics, activism, cannabis and living off her father on the Rochestown Road. I said, I need something really big that will work well between northsiders and southsiders. She said, try a wall. #SnobbySocialist

I’m from one of top four families on Well Road measured by the evenness of our winter tan. My daughter married this superb guy from Sunday’s Well, third generation RCYC, answers every question with the word ‘totally’. (He pronounces it todally and that’s his business.)

The problem is their baby daughter, and there’s no easy way to put this, she looks a bit common. She has that saucy face you only see in Ballyphehane, you know that kind of way. Is there anything to be said for a bit of plastic surgery?

– Norma, Well Road, I’d love to call over and chat, I hope you don’t find me heartless.

I hope you don’t find me on Google Maps.

My neighbour is a beautician, but that doesn’t mean she’s thick. I said, this woman on the Well Road can’t bond with her grandchild because she looks like she’s from the ‘Hane, what would you recommend?

She said, a paternity test. #TodallyNotThick

My mother passed away last week, we went for the most expensive funeral lunch package in Maryborough House Hotel and it was totally worth it because everyone noticed. I’ve just been going through her savings account there and let’s just say it’s the last you’ll see of me in Aldi or Lidl. I feel slightly bad about showing my wealth when so many people around me live in poverty, or Frankfield.

I rang Fr O’Mahoney for some spiritual guidance in the whole area of material wealth and charity, but his housekeeper told me he’s taking a fortnight in the Caribbean. So, I’ll ask you – how long does Mum have to be dead before I can go on a 7-star cruise?

– Belinda, Grange.

I passed this question onto the WhatsApp group, Ballinlough People Who Thought Their Parents Would Be Dead by Now.

I said, are any of you worried that people will spot you spending your inheritance too quickly?

Ciara191cBMW said absolutely terrified, that’s why I’ll spend the first seven grand on a completely new nose. #Foresight

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