Ask Audrey: I’m an estate agent, I tend to blush when I tell the truth

C’mere, what’s the story when your old doll has slept with half of Cork? We opened a third bottle of wine during the snow last weekend and then it all came out. I thought I’d be a clear winner on the bangy-bangy front, given that I do be like a young Gabriel Byrne. But it turns out the old doll whupped my ass with a massive 27 sexual partners. I can’t even walk down Pana with her now, without going, ‘What about him? Or him?’. How can I get over this? – Dowtcha Donie, Blackpool, I wish I had more sex when I had the chance.

Getting that on my gravestone. I’m shocked to hear your ‘old doll’ only slept with 27 men. With that kind of number, she’d still probably qualify to get into the nuns. My Conor got very upset when he discovered he had 17 less conquests (his words) than me.

I said ‘the only way we’re going to get through this is for you to catch up as quickly as possible’. He said fair enough and booked a weekend in Kinsale.

I’d hate for my mum to snuff it, but we really need to sell her house on Well Road before the latest property bubble bursts. (My mother-in-law passed in 2009, by which time her mansion in Sunday’s Well was worth less than a wine bar in Knocknaheeny. I cried non-stop for a year.) So, basically, how can I persuade my mother to trade down? – Alice, the posh part of Maryborough Hill, do I come across as heartless?

Not really, considering where you live. It’s hard when an elderly parents lives in a posh gaff. My mother only has to cough and I’m thinking ‘beach-front penthouse in Marbella’. Look on the bright side, at least your mother lives in a posh part of Douglas. My friend’s mother only lives in Wilton. She said, ‘Mam’ (that’s what they call their mother), ‘we need you to trade down to somewhere else on the southside’. The mother said, ‘that’s impossible love, there’s nowhere below Wilton, not even Turners Cross.’ It’s heartbreaking for the whole family.

Story, wha? I’m after winning the Lotto big time, and have decided to move out of Dublin in case me sister gets wind of it and wants me to pay off her mortgage. A buddy of mine went to Cork on a stag once, and said at least yiz aren’t Limerick, wha? So, I’m thinking of moving down there to live, and that. Do you think I’ll be welcome in yizzers small city, wha? – Doylzer, Marino, I’m well up for a digging match and a jar.

Wha? I asked my estate agent friend where is the best place around Cork for a barely-literate gouger desperate to show off his new-found wealth (no offence.) She said he’d be a perfect fit for Glounthaune. I said I thought Glounthaune was posh these days. She said it’s mainly refugees from Ballyvolane with a knack for social climbing. I said, do you tell that to first time-buyers? She said, no. I said why. She said, ‘I’m an estate agent, I tend to blush when I tell the truth.’

Guten tag. I was blown away by images of Cork and surroundings in the snow, so I decided to visit from Munich this week, to take a look for myself. It was a complete let-down. The worst of all was of course Cobh. Stunning in the snow, but this week it was like the backside on a Berliner. (This is very funny if you are from Munich.) Would it be ridiculous to suggest that Cobh should paint itself white? – Jurgen, Munich, sorry if I appear a little blunt.

You’re only saying what we are all thinking. I know a lot of people are disappointed around Ireland this week. My nephew thought he had died and gone to heaven last weekend. And then he woke up on Monday morning and found he was still living in Macroom. He told me it was excruciating. I said you should try and deal with a dull-as-Dunmanway German who thinks he’s a comedian. (It’s no joke.) (No offence.)

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself went on a weekend break to Hotel Europe and didn’t she come back with notions. The upshot is that we need to hire a cleaning lady, and it is my job to find one. Anyway, after typing “I need a woman to call to my house” into Google, didn’t I start getting ads in my browser for sexy young-ones in their knickers. I can’t even look up the deaths without looking like a pervert. Is there any way to stop this? – Dan Paddy Andy, Skibbereen.

You need to be very careful what you say in Google. I always say to people, whenever you are online, imagine there is someone looking over your shoulder, gently stroking your hair with his strong, tanned Italian hands. Anyway, enough about my second favourite fantasy. (The lawyers won’t let me tell you what comes first.)

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