Yes, the rumours are true.
I am indeed the purchaser of Kilfinnan Castle, in beautiful Glandore.
I can no longer keep the news a secret.
Not after last week’s report in this very newspaper which revealed some of the particulars of the couple who will now have to cough up close on €6m.
The report stated that, “She is from a West Cork parish,” which my wife certainly hails from, and “He is from the Far East.”
And I am, right enough.
As far east as Aghabullogue originally, but now settled comfortably in Kilmichael.
Yerra, the report might as well have named me, and be done with it.
Anyhow, I’ve the damn castle and gardens purchased now, and there is no point in beating about the bushes any longer.
And how do you propose to pay for the heavenly pile?
That’s the question you might rudely ask, knowing that I am supposedly broke all the time.
Well, my friend, a few months back, as luck would have it, I got into the disadvantaged areas (areas of natural constraints, as they call them in Dublin and Brussels).
And once that ANC money starts rolling in, the cliff top retreat in Glandore will only be the start of my spending.
With the disadvantaged area payment, you are paid as long as you have a few animals on the land.
It’s money for old rope, or in my case ’tis money for my old cattle.
I will use the castle as my summer retreat.
A chance to recharge the batteries, put the feet up, and generally stare at the Wild Atlantic Way, which as a matter of fact, is located at the end of the garden.
I might have to bring a few bullocks down to Glandore to deal with the six-acre garden, for I have no interest in spending my time running after a lawnmower.
As long as they don’t ramble off the cliff edge, they will do just fine.
But all that is work for another day. The first thing will be for me to get my feet under the table, or on it, as the case may be.
Yerra ’tis a mighty block of a house, with more rooms than a fellow would know what to do with.
My missus is more than a little concerned with all the “chimney pots peering from the roof”, but as I assured her, most of them are only part of the styling of the castle.
And anyway, once the disadvantaged payment comes in, we will be able to purchase our own set of chimney brushes and do the job in half the time, and for half the cost.
I also plan the construction of an outdoor toilet.
For I might feel the urge to spend a penny when peering out into the Wild Atlantic Way.
The waves constantly crashing off the rocks could help my bladder.
Obviously, I’ll get BAM Ireland to build the loo, for as I said, I will be ate alive with money when the disadvantaged payments kick in.
And I might invite the Taoiseach himself to cut the ribbon once the loo is up and running, for he has a great understanding of the building game.
Kilfinnan Castle, here we come.