Specialists needed to deal with the hairy brigade

Specialists needed to deal with the hairy brigade
Wanted: shearers for four million Irish heads of hair on June 29

The timing could not be better!

As the banning of hair cuts comes to a sharp end, sheep shearers the land over are now in a position to deal with the problem.

With many flocks now shorn, the only species left with undulating locks are ourselves.

We all look like the Bee-Gees at this stage (and I’m not only talking about the men).

Hair removal by whatever means is now the only game in town. 

It’s the greatest grooming problem this country has faced since Charlie Haughey’s Charvet shirts.

The future of our people is really dependent on how we deal with the hairy crisis.

Some might believe that the hairdressers have it within their grasp to deal with the forthcoming onslaught of hair.

Well, I don’t believe they do.

With the greatest of respect to hairdressers (which I have), I believe they are biting off more than they can chew.

They haven’t a hope of dealing with the great grooming crisis that will begin on the morning of June 29.

The hair situation has gone right out of hand, or out of head for that matter.

It’s everywhere. It can be no longer be dealt with by scissors and goodwill alone. 

The days of the lightweight snip and a pretty smile are long gone.

After three months of unbridled hair growth, it’s time to call in the real experts for some heavy-duty shearing. 

Specialists needed to deal with the hairy brigade
Shearing sheep.

And there are none better and more primed right now to deal with the matter than our nation of super-fit sheep shearers.

I’m reliably informed that the sheep shears can cut hair, after just a few minor alterations.

Let them at our hair, is what I say. It’s time to let the locks fall where they may, and how they may.

This is no time for preening and pouting into a mirror. It’s time for action.

What I’m calling for today is simple. 

Swing open the doors of every municipal building and Town Hall in the country to a hairy brigade desperately in need of cutbacks.

Then, in keeping with best social distancing practices, allow an orderly queue to form outside. 

This queue will contain some of the hairiest individuals the country has seen since Rory Gallagher rocked Macroom in 1977.

And if all goes to plan, three to four sheep shearers can set up posts inside, as they do on our sheep farms.

Give each enough room to deal with the troublesome locks and contrary clients that the hairy hoard is bound to contain, and they will manage just fine.

Any sheep shearer worth his salt is capable of covering up to 100 sheep in a day, so you can only imagine how quickly they will buzz through the hair of Ireland. 

There will be hair flying, of that let there be little doubt.

I know what I’m recommending today may not be in keeping with what the fashionistas in society might deem natural or normal. 

But to hell with them. These are not natural or normal times.

My plan today may be a long way from Vidal Sassoon. 

But Vidal Sassoon never had four million Irish heads of hair to cut in a hurry. 

If he did, make no mistake, there wouldn’t have been half the old swaggering or posing.

Bluntly put, it will require full-on mowing from headland to earlobe.

Nothing but hair flying from dawn to dusk.

To hell with styling, there will be time for that when normality is restored.

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