Cormac MacConnell: Elastic band-driven tractor bounces back

Steady yourselves now, for ye are about to encounter a world exclusive scoop in this earthy space.

I am thrilled to announce here the launch of my own Model C tractor, just a century after your own Henry Ford unveiled to the world his historic Model T.

There were scoffers then in Cork and elsewhere, and there are certainly scoffers and unbelievers today about my Model C tractor, but the bold Henry Ford soon shut their mouths with his worldwide success around the Model T. And I am certain of the same result, in due time, for my equally exciting and revolutionary Model C tractor.

Again, the pure truth, this Easter season.

With all due modesty, I guarantee that my Model C tractor totally addresses all the issues which have beset other road and agricultural vehicles in recent times.

The Model C tractor is entirely composed of recycled elements, emits absolutely no hazardous emissions of any kind when in operation, costs NOTHING to run, requires no fossil fuels of any kind, is absolutely silent when in action, requires no licensing tariffs, can be readily totally recycled itself at any stage, can be readily adapted for political purposes if needs be, does not require to be covered by expensive motor tax and insurance premiums like other vehicles on our land and roads, and I hereby firmly promise you loyal readers that I will not claim any royalties of any kind, or levy any charges of any kind, for any of you who wish to construct your own customised Model C tractor, after reading this exclusive report.

I herewith list all the items ye will need for the assembly of your own Model C tractor.

They are lying around your home, just waiting to be assembled. Ye can find them in minutes.

You need to source an emptied sewing thread spool, which the womenfolk have discarded, ideally the wooden ones with narrow waists.

Then, an elastic band, an inch or so of candle stub with the central wick removed, two tiny nails of the kind used in the past by shoemakers, and a light class of a twig from the nearest tree.

With a knife you then nick the edges of the spool, to create tractor-type cleats for your organic tractor, thread the elastic band through the spool, secure it at one end with the little nails, pass the other end of the elastic band through the centre of the wickless candle, attach that to the twig from the garden, then wind it up, using the twig as the starting handle.

And away you go.

It is as simple and easy as that and, as I guarantee, MacConnell will never seek royalties or charges of any kind for your own personalised Model C vehicle. Where else would you find such a bargain?

I am observing my personal prototype in action as I write, and it is truly a thing of beauty in its own way, and brings me back to my childhood, when my father Sandy constructed them for his children.

We enjoyed them more than any windup toys purchased in the town.

Again I see those little tractors whizzing along our kitchen floor, showing off for the constant influx of visitors and neighbours who were the customers in our small country shop.

Outside, in the meadowlands on the other side of the road to the border at Teemore, the grey Ferguson tractors of our farming neighbours would be snarling away late in the evenings, cutting the first generations of silage for the reeking pits where that silage, marinated with molasses, was the scent of the new era of farm practice for us, back in the ’50s of the last century, when every second car on every road was a Ford crafted by Henry from Cork.

I recall clearly now the shock and awe created a little later, when a teacher called Cassidy arrived home from Belfast with a strange black car with its engine in a different position altogether, because it was a Volkswagen!

The wise oldsters in our shop decided the man was as mad as a hatter, to buy such a dangerous class of a yoke!

Presumably, many readers will say the same things about my Model C tractor.

But time will tell, long before there are no petrol or diesel vehicles allowed to pollute our already damaged environment.

I like to think now that some enhanced variant of my Model C tractor will have as intriguing a future as Henry Ford’s famously successful Model T, and its successors, which provided good work for over 7,000 grateful Munster workers until about 40 years ago.

I will be happy to settle for a legacy comparable to that for my truly organic Model C tractor!

We’ll leave it there for now.

More on this topic

Damaging pest will spread across China’s grain production within 12 months

Australia turns to imports to help offset crop losses

Man dies after being injured by animal on Longford farm

Kilkenny unveils new digital innovation hub

More in this Section

Damaging pest will spread across China’s grain production within 12 months

Australia turns to imports to help offset crop losses

Kilkenny unveils new digital innovation hub

Education holds the key to tackling food waste issue


Lifestyle

All of the most opulent and OTT gowns from the Cannes Film Festival

H&M has announced its latest incredible designer collaboration – and it goes on sale tomorrow

Ask an expert: What’s the best way to quickly potty train my toddler?

Album review: Flying Lotus - Flamagra

More From The Irish Examiner