All I want for Christmas is ... A farmer's Santa letter to the man himself

Well Santy, it’s been a while, but I thought I’d get in touch. There are so many strange things happening in the world, anything’s possible.

I don’t know why, but there seem to be an awful lot of angry old men in charge of the world. They seem to be really, really rich, so I’m not quite sure why they are, like, so angry, but they believe a lot more fairy tales than I do.

Like, I know you are real Santy, but these guys seem to believe any old silly stuff. Some Soros lad seems to run the entire world on his own — without you even helping him. And the lads that sell oil and gas seem to be in charge of all the big decisions — not the scientists.

That’d be like me believing the lad sellin’ sweets if he told me they were good for me teeth.


The global climate change experts gave us 12 years to sort things out. I’m writing this letter to you for longer than 12 years.

The adults would want to get themselves sorted out soon — but it’s worse they are getting, so it is, Santy.

Like, it won’t affect them — they’ll be dead. Me, I’ll be dealing with floods and droughts, people being displaced and lads fighting — it won’t be pretty.

I think that young girl from Sweden, Greta Thunberg, has it right. She went on a school strike and has been giving out to all the silly adults. Can you believe she told them that they were behaving like children.

It’s funny because it’s true.

She’s right.

Imagine ignoring the real experts and relying instead on consultants and economists? They are the guys who thought Anglo-Irish was a great bank, and they’d no idea the crash was coming.

It’d be funny if it wasn’t driving us over a cliff towards an in-com-pre-hen-sibly bleak and horrendous future so it would Santy. (I had to ask me ma for help with that long word there: in-com-pre-hens-ibly).

Where I live, in Ireland (I know you know where I live Santy), we got the worst score in Europe for climate change so we did. ‘Must try harder’ as the teacher does be tellin’ me — when I’m not on strike.

But at least we’re trying. We had good progress in the smart grass trials — but then they forget to pay for the website so it’s all gone — silly billies.

And you will not believe what they did to the agroforestry trials over in Johnstown Castle — they dug up all the trees once it was over.

Do they not have a piggy bank to save for the future? I’ve all my communion money in a piggy bank. Up in Armagh, they have agroforestry trials running for years, Santy, years.

Maybe, for Christmas, you could give Teagasc and the other agricultural institutes the gift of foresight?

The organic lads got an early present — the Organic Farming Scheme opened.

A few lads can join now I suppose. Maybe we’ll get the Organic Action Plan for Christmas? The last one was a bit, well, I don’t know — vague and weak to the point of irrelevance I think me Da said — but there’s always hope. Like Nietzsche said.

So this year, for Christmas, all I want is for everything to stop. For the adults to stop saying silly things like if we don’t do the thing that causes loads of emissions, someone else will. If it’s bad, don’t do it! Simples.

Or, as you say, don’t be naughty, be nice.

And, I want how the whole world works — how things are made, how they move around, how they connect, how they end up in the bin — I want all that stuff to stop. And change.

As if our lives depended on it. Because our lives do.

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