SPORT: Champions League Live – Real Madrid v Schalke (TV3, 7.30pm)
European Champions Real Madrid welcome Schalke to the Bernabeu Stadium fort the 2nd Leg of their UEFA Champions League Round of 16 tie.
Trailing 2-0 from the 1st leg, the German side have it all to do.
Tommy Martin presents the action, with analysis from Neil Lennon and Brian Kerr.
Commentary from Trevor Welch and Mark Lawrenson.
HEALTH: One Born Every Minute (Channel 4, 9pm)
This Bafta Award-winning series must pose quite the dilemma for first-time mums-to-be: do they tune in to find out what this birth palaver is all about and risk scaring themselves silly, or is ignorance bliss?
We guarantee that, like the rest of us, they won’t be able to resist...
The series returns tonight from its new home at Liverpool’s Women’s Hospital, which is the largest and busiest maternity unit in Europe. We meet first-time mum and her partner Gary who, in their 40s, thought the opportunity to be parents had passed them by, and they were thrilled to find out they were expecting.
We also meet Jennifer and Darran, who were told of their baby’s heart defect at the 20-week scan, but won’t know how severe it is, or how it will affect her, until she’s born.
DOCUMENTARY: Sex, Lies and Love Bites: The Agony Aunt Story (BBC4, 9pm)
Reading a newspaper, there are some who turn straight to the back pages for the sport, and there are others who turn to the problem pages first – there’s nothing wrong with a bit of light entertainment after all.
But in this one-off documentary, a portrait of our social history, agony aunt and psychotherapist Philippa Perry examines our relationship with the advice column and traces the story of British agony aunts from the 17th century to the present day.
She meets social historians and learns about the earliest problems pages and what made for great reading; from courtship confessions to the intricacies of Victorian etiquette.
Philippa hears how in the 19th century, advice columns took a shocking turn, and goes on to explain the work of Claire Rayner and her fearless sex advice, before taking on a starring role in The Sun’s Dear Deidre photo casebook.
Philippa also talks to Deidre and agony uncle Graham Norton about their experiences.
DRAMA: Revenge (RTE Two, 9.55pm)
Emily and David turn their backs on the Hamptons for good.
David finally decides to settle his debt to Victoria while Emily helps Nolan with a takedown of his own.
“Revenge” stars Emily VanCamp as Emily Thorne, Madeleine Stowe as Victoria Grayson, Nick Wechsler as Jack Porter, Gabriel Mann as Nolan Ross, Karine Vanasse as Margaux LeMarchal, James Tupper as David Clarke and Brian Hallisay as Ben Hunter.
Guest starring Tommy Flanagan as Malcolm Black.
HEALTH: The Kids Who Can’t Stay Awake (Channel 4, 10pm)
To some parents, children sleeping might sound like a dream come true.
But, as this documentary explains, in 2010, there was a startling increase in narcolepsy across the UK and northern Europe, so for those parents, it seemed there was trouble ahead.
At the time, new cases developed weekly, and some doctors even described it as an epidemic.
It was certainly an outbreak for which no-one could offer a valid explanation.
This documentary follows three British children who developed the same set of symptoms that year, and while none of the families of the children knew that they were part of an inexplicable spike in childhood cases, there was quite an impact on all concerned.
The programme explains that while medical experts have developed a shocking theory for the mysterious event, it hasn’t made it any easier for the families to adapt to their new lives...
COMEDY: Nurse (BBC2, 10pm)
If you note Paul Whitehouse’s name in a new comedy, the chances are you’re going to pay a certain degree of attention – and, rest assured, you won’t be disappointed here.
He stars in this comedy, adapted by David Cummings and himself from their Radio 4 series of the same name, about a community psychiatric nurse on her rounds as she visits her patients in their homes.
The comic explains: “Nurse is a project close to my heart, it’s an opportunity to explore issues and characters at a deeper level, while trying to find humour and hope in difficult situations.” Esther Coles stars as Liz, the nurse, while Whitehouse takes on roles including an agoraphobic and a soldier with post-traumatic stress disorder.
Keep an eye out for other small-screen favourites in supporting roles, including The Fast Show’s Simon Day and Waking the Dead’s Cecilia Noble.
DOCUMENTARY: Kids in Camps: Comic Relief (BBC1, 11.25pm)
Just in case it has escaped your notice, the Beeb is ploughing everything into its Comic Relief effort this year, and ahead of Friday’s night-long entertainment and fundraising, the team heads over to South Sudan to follow the lives of children displaced by the civil war.
These youngsters have found themselves living in temporary camps or refugee sites across the border in Northern Uganda.
The programme meets teenage sisters Grace and Anna, who fled for their lives while people around them were being killed. But their priority has never changed - they want to continue their education.
Meanwhile, we also hear from 14-year-old Scovia, whose family have been transferred to a refugee settlement where they are given a small plot of land and some simple tools with which to begin a new life...
FILM: Snatch (5*, 10pm)
(2000) A stolen diamond sparks a series of interlinked stories that bring together a whole host of undesirables, gangsters, thieves and criminals, delving into the murky world of bare-knuckle boxing along the way.
Made at a time when director Guy Ritchie could do no wrong, it’s stylish, brilliantly written, and tough as a coffin nail.
Exquisitely shot in a washed-out sepia and blending savagery and emotional drama with razor-sharp wit, it’s a modern classic. And put aside your reservations about Brad Pitt playing a gypsy fighter. He’s a revelation.
Starring: Jason Statham, Benicio Del Toro, Vinnie Jones, Brad Pitt
FILM: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (ITV4, 12am)
(1998) A restless sports writer and his lawyer hit the highways in search of the ’American Dream’, heading for the glitzy gambling capital in a convertible stocked with alcohol and hallucinogenic drugs.
Every now and then, a film comes along which is a little bit different to anything you’ve ever seen before.
This movie, based on Hunter S Thompson’s extraordinary novel, features wonderful if eccentric performances from Johnny Depp (complete with balding pate) and an almost unrecognisable Benicio Del Toro, along with some weird but wonderful scenes which could only have been created by the director and ex-Monty Python member Terry Gilliam.
Starring: Johnny Depp, Benicio Del Toro, Christina Ricci, Tobey Maguire, Michael Lee Gogin, Tim Thomerson
FILM: Heart of Glass (Film4, 1am)
(1976) Set in 18th-century Bavaria, the film focuses on a small town where the local glassblower has recently died.
He was famous for creating a ruby red form of the substance, but kept its formula a secret. His son desperately tries to find it, while the rest of the locals descend into madness.
This is the kind of film that will polarise opinions. Completely eccentric and unique, it has a bizarre atmosphere that may become clear after you read the ’Anything Else’ section of this review.
Werner Herzog isn’t known for making ordinary film, but this is one of the most extraordinary of his entire career – it has to be seen to be believed.
Starring: Josef Bierbichler, Stefan Guttler, Clemens Scheitz, Sonja Skiba