Saturday, February 04, 2012
MY sister in law is full of good ideas about how to make a fortune.
Her latest idea concerns a mobile phone application — or app for short. Unfortunately, that’s all I can tell you; I’ve been sworn to secrecy, she really thinks this idea is The One and I wouldn’t want you to poach it, it wouldn’t be fair, you see, not when fortunes are at stake.
Between you and me, I think her idea is a bit rubbish — though if her app idea does turn out to be The One, I take that back because I’m hoping blood is thicker than water when it comes to fortunes. Her app — and bear in mind I have to speak in very general terms — will enable its users to find hundreds of answers to hundreds of questions in which 99% of the population have no interest whatsoever. Naturally I told her that her idea, though hitting only one percent of the target market, was fantastic but in truth, I have a better idea for an app, which hits a huge target market. I can smell the money now!
My app is already patented, so I don’t mind giving you a taster. I’m calling it The Breath-Saving App for Parents of Teenagers, or maybe Do Your Parents a Favour and Button It, I can’t quite decide.
My device is specifically designed to answer questions that dog parents relentlessly throughout their offspring’s adolescence. Parents will be able to download the app to their teenagers’ phones the second their kids turn 13 — or 10 perhaps, since they all grow up so quickly these days — so that when their teenagers ask them provocative, tiresome, or age-inappropriate questions, they simply command their kids to “refer to your app immediately”.
There are 663 questions and as many age-appropriate answers listed in 37 different categories on my app. One category for example, is called Embarrassing Parents: Your Questions Answered. Another is called Sex: All Your Age-Inappropriate Questions Answered, Without Acute Discomfort (girls: age bracket 11-15). In this one, I’ve covered every conceivable question — no matter how awful.
This means that when your 11-year-old daughter watches Sex and the City while you’re at her school parent’s evening and asks you on your return, “Mum, what’s a Brazilian?” she’ll refer to my app and find: “Refer back to app at age 15. Don’t ask your mother again.” A 15-year-old, on the other hand, will find this one: “Brazilian: a porn-influenced aesthetic. Refer back to app at age 17, don’t ask your mother again.”
NB as with all questions regarding sex, bear in mind boys have probably watched porn since the age of nine on their iPhones and as a consequence, have some funny ideas, of which you should take absolutely no notice.
If you still can’t spot the limitless potential of my app, see if these simple questions and answers examples swing things for you:
Q: What is the point of physics?
A: Have you seen the bloody Millau Viaduct?
Q: Why do you force me to read?
A: It makes you clever. Read the research.
Q: Has it ever occurred to you that I might want to stack shelves in Tescos?
A: Indeed it has. Your mother feels reading will enable you to make a more informed career choice.
Q: Why do you keep nagging me to get off Facebook?
A: Ref Oxford dictionary; “moderation: the avoidance of extremes in one’s behaviour.”
Q: I’m 16. I’ve got fake ID, why can’t I go to Oxegen?
A: Rape, ecstasy tabs, death.
Q: Why can’t I have a day off? It’s only transition year for god’s sake.
A: Because you’ll sit in front of Facebook all day and you know how your mother feels about that.
Q: What’s wrong with my skirt?
A: Half an inch stands between it and indecent exposure.
Q: What do you mean I look like a hooker?
A: Exactly that, you look like a hooker.
Q: Why can’t I load the dishwasher later?
A: Oh come off it, we all know what that means.
Q: Why’s the fridge always empty?
A: Because you came back from college yesterday and ate everything in it, including that pot of lime pickle at the back.
Q: Why are old people so stupid with computers, I mean how can you not know what the F1 key is for, for gods’ sake?
A: Ha! Who designed this app eh? Eh?
Forget about my sister-in-law’s idea, I really think this idea’s The One.
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