AIDA AUSTIN: She was far too busy flirting to bother with a menopause

Never having had a menopause herself because she “had to have the whole blasted contraption whipped out at 40,” my mother is curious to hear about mine. “So,” she says on the phone, “how’s it going? Are you still boiling to death?”

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AIDA AUSTIN: When people die here, they have lots of sort of… get-togethers

The first time we revisit England after moving to Ireland, we get stuck in weekend traffic going west out of London.

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AIDA AUSTIN: I have two pairs of shutters on the windows and a twitch in both eyes

Last summer in Lefkada, I took a photograph of a pair of window shutters; double-panel, hardwood, painted palest sunbleached olive.

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AIDA AUSTIN: If you just tell me where we’re staying I will still be surprised

Aida Austin illustrates how unpredictable and yet comical travelling can be once the plans are out of your hands.

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AIDA AUSTIN: That’s why people go on cruises, you know. They eat all day and all night

Monday morning and I’m at home, returning a Whatsapp call from my mother that kept dropping earlier this morning.

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AIDA AUSTIN: I’m not even taking parent plants. I’m just re-homing their babies

10am Saturday. I’m about to wake my husband in order to put to him my plans for the day. Best to do this with fresh coffee; I’m expecting an oppositional response.

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AIDA AUSTIN: We live in a town now, so we can’t pass the filth of the car off as country dirt

8pm. My brother and mother are flying from London to see our new home tomorrow. I’m Whatsapping them photographic evidence of refurbishments to set their minds at rest.

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AIDA AUSTIN: I’m unable to decide if these trousers are highly amusing or chic

8pm. My husband and I are running inexcusably late for a dinner party; he’s half-in, half-out of a pair of crumpled trousers in one bedroom, while I’m half-in, half-out of a barely-worn pair in another.

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AIDA AUSTIN: You can’t cancel a precious reunion like this because of extreme agony

London. 4 pm. I’m on my way to meet James, the man I lived with before I met my husband.

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AIDA AUSTIN: All I can do is sit still like a good girl and follow my sister’s dos and don’ts

I am in my London sister’s flat, on my best behaviour after doing handstands in her bedroom.

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AIDA AUSTIN: My brain goes buzzy when I have to push it into understanding things it doesn’t want to learn

I am in the Victoria and Albert museum with my brother who is just back from Kabul. 

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AIDA AUSTIN: "Stay out of my f***ing bed,” and, “don’t go near my bloody Acqua di Parma”

11. 30. I’ve just arrived in England, where I’m staying with my sister for three nights.

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