AIDA AUSTIN

AIDA AUSTIN: "Lick it off the wall is right," I agree, licking my lips

HOME, 8pm, and we’re watching Masterchef. “Lucky judges,” I say, “never mind the pickled cauliflower — it would be worth having to taste them just for those shallots.”

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AIDA AUSTIN: "The ‘ends well’ bit, I shout. "I want the ‘ends well’ bit. I want the ‘ends well’ bit now."

HOME ALONE, and waiting for a call from my husband. 

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AIDA AUSTIN: "Our wedding anniversaries are cursed, I vote we forget presents"

Wednesday night, upstairs, and my husband is resurrecting his Spiderman Scuttle - something to do with muscle flexion, I seem to remember - which involves scampering sideways, like a crab, back and forth across our bouncy floor-boards so that the bed shakes.

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AIDA AUSTIN: ’It’s as if obesity is a disease you can catch, like chicken pox’

MY mother’s gone radio silent; it’s Tuesday afternon and her Monday morning phone call that has punctuated my life as inevitably and reliably as the weekly shop, never arrived. 

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AIDA AUSTIN: "Come on," he shouts, just like he did when I was in childbirth, "last push now"

SUNDAY, 5pm, and after a five-year break from painting, I’m resurrecting my old studio. It’s a long way from Picasso’s atelier on the Riviera but it will do, like it always did, the job.

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AIDA AUSTIN: Aida Austin: We’re looking for someone who’s clean, relaxed and funny

I am in Sligo, where life has transposed itself, like it always does, into a scene from ‘The Edwardian Farm’.

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AIDA AUSTIN: Mum says there was no cholesterol in her day, so she doesn’t know if it’s hereditary and at least it’s not Ebola

IT’S THURSDAY, 5pm, and my husband finds me in the back hedge, hacking at rugosa with lopping shears. He’s carrying two cups of tea in one hand and eating a sandwich from the other.

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AIDA AUSTIN: "It has sound effects and everything! You’re first"

UPSTAIRS in bed at 11pm. My husband says he wants to watch episode 3 of The Bridge on my laptop but this would contravene our no-technology-in-bed-rule. 

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AIDA AUSTIN: Look at us swishing along in our boots, all cotton-eye Joe!

1am in Sligo - and at the kitchen table, my sister’s head is bowed in earnest industry over some sprigged cotton which she’s cutting into covers for her jam-pot lids. 

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AIDA AUSTIN: Aida Austin: Family life feels forever fixed in time

My sister’s house, Sligo, where children hold your hands, drink their milk and family life feels forever fixed in time.

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AIDA AUSTIN: Aida Austin: "You’re attractive and funny, not a doggy waiting for re-homing"

I’M IN London, walking down Upper Street towards my son, who is waiting in Five Guys — a burger joint he’s recommended because it’s “munch”.

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AIDA AUSTIN: "Honestly. At 76 — addicted to Candy Crunch"

IT’S 1am, London, and I’m sitting on my sister’s sofa, talking to my mother, who’s just called the landline. 

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