A foolproof guide to help club stalwarts in the season ahead
It can only mean one thing: a new club season is about to get underway.
After our never-ending winter, that’s a cause for celebration. But while football brings many rewards, it is also extremely demanding. These days any man carrying a few pounds is instructed to starve himself. Students 50 miles from home will be informed they must remain sober and return for midweek training.
And the married man with a house full of children will be expected to make the same commitments as everyone else. It’s not easy.
Given the difficulties involved, we thought it was time players were provided with ‘A Survival Guide to Training and Playing For The Club.’.
Based on experience and testimony of grizzled veterans, the following 20 tips are hard learned, but the player who takes note should enjoy smooth passage for the rest of the season.
Tip#1
Never argue with the county man.
Tip#2
Never make fun of the county man.
Tip#3
Never question why the county man isn’t training.
Tip #4
If the county man is giving you a lecture, bow your head and suck it up.
Tip#5
Always, always, always wear trunks under your shorts. Remember, it’s a football pitch not a parade ring.
For Club Legend Status. The Club Legend wears an ancient pair of y-fronts. Thin and frayed, the dye from the purple piping ran about eight years ago and discoloured his beloved club jersey which he also continues to wear.
Tip#6
If you’re going wear white football boots, then be good. Be very, very good.
For Club Legend Status: The Club Legends wears black boots with black laces and steel studs.
Tip#7
When the row starts, always lift a member of the opposing team out of the scrap. Best practice involves grabbing your opponent from behind with a bear hug that neutralises his arms. While shouting: “Come on now lads, wise up,” manoeuvre your defenceless opponent into a position where he can be clobbered by a team-mate.
For Club Legend Status. Deck at least two men during any row with the parish neighbours. (You don’t necessarily have to be playing).
Tip #8
If you’re not a very talented corner-forward then you must establish a cordial relationship with the referee. Make a point of shaking the ref’s hand before the game and call him by his first name. Make it sound like you know him really well. If the ref gives the first decision against you, smile at him like he’s your best friend. As the game progresses, draw fouls via standard methods. If you dupe the ref, applaud his decision. If he doesn’t fall for your tricks, smile graciously saying something like: “Och, come on now, Seamus, sure he was hanging out of me.’
For Club Legend Status. Club Legends don’t play at corner-forward.
Tip#9 Long-sleeved base layers are for the winter. These garments should not be worn after March 31.
For Club Legend Status: The Club Legend thinks base layer is something used in construction. From January (when training begins) until November (when league ends), the CL trains in his purple-tinted club jersey so old it doesn’t even have a sponsor on it. When the temperature dips below freezing, the CL will sometimes wear a monkey hat.
Tip#10
Speaking at a Club Derry function a few years ago, Anthony Tohill revealed that he received an invaluable bit of advice a few weeks after he joined the county squad. While the future four-time All Star was spraying himself with deodorant, a senior member of the squad pulled him aside and said: “Anthony, never bring an aerosol to training, you’ll be out a fortune with boys borrowing it off you. Always use a roll on. The boys don’t borrow roll-ons.” Tohill confirmed it was probably the best advice ever received in his career.
For Club Legend Status: Club Legends go ‘au naturale’.
Tip#11
Always exercise extreme caution when choosing your group for the sprinting drills. Stick with team-mates who are as slow or slower than you.
Tip#12
If you’re going to attempt a chip pick-up, make sure you execute it to perfection. (The same applies to drop kicks and dummy solos). For Club Legend Status: Always keep it simple. Nothing fancy.
Tip#13
Make sure your sister’s laundry doesn’t get mixed up with your kit.
Tip#14
If you’re not the county man, or if you haven’t played for at least five years, then under no circumstances speak before the game or during half-time.
For Club Legend Status: The Club Legend does his talking on the pitch.
Tip# 15
If you’re going to break a drinking ban, be smart about it. Be discreet. Get out of town and stay off Twitter.
For Club Legend Status: Alcohol has no effect on the Club Legend. With a hangover, or without a hangover, he plays the same. (In his prime, the CL smoked 20 a day).
Tip#16
Never take a new girlfriend to the club’s annual dinner dance. Don’t ask: why? Just don’t do it.
For Club Legend Status: The Club Legend never had a girlfriend. He has always been married.
Tip #17
(For Reserve, Intermediate and Junior footballers) You have been selected at corner-back. Walking into the defence, you realise there is a thin corner forward and a not so thin one. Select the heavier of the two. Do this even if it means playing on the left side when you have been picked to play on the right. If your fellow corner-back raises any protest, dismiss his objections. In a belittling, off-hand manner, say: “Sure it makes no odds.” Let him get humiliated.
Tip #18
(For fresher students): It’s your first year at university and you’ve missed the last three training sessions. When asked to explain your absence, do not cite exams, assignments or the flu for your non-attendance. No one, not even your mother, will believe you. (Also see Tip#4)
Tip#19
(For players with a spare tyre) Learn the Hasselhoff. Managers study all types of form so if you’re walking into the showers with an overhanging gut that could provide shelter for small animals then it’s not going to create a favourable impression. Learn to ‘suck in’ anytime you’re undressed. For novices, this simply involves tightening the stomach muscles. More advanced practitioners can suck in, borrow deodorant (spray-on), and participate in a lengthy conversation.
For Club Legend Status: The Club Legend has been the same weight since he got married.
Tip #20
If you’re taking a year out to get married, build a house, or to have a baby, your career is over.
