“Have fun, love, but don’t do anything silly”

ON PENTECOST Island in the South Pacific, boys engage in the coming-of-age ceremony, Naghol. They climb a 70ft rickety tower, tie vines to their ankles and dive to the ground, falling at speeds of around 45mph. A dive is considered successful when the boy gets close enough to touch his head or shoulders to the ground. When the boy miscalculates the vine length and shatters Humpty-Dumpty style, it’s considered unsuccessful. While the boy makes his first dive, his mother watches. She holds an item representing his childhood and when he jumps, she throws the item away.

In Kenya and northern Tanzania, Maasai mothers are made of even sterner stuff. Their role in the coming of age ritual, Emuratare, requires them to accompany their daughters to a ceremonial ground and put them in a hut, where part of their daughters’ genitals will be excised with unsterilised knives and no anaesthetic. Three weeks later, if their daughters are still alive, their mothers return to reunite with them.

And there I was thinking that the Irish Debs rite of passage was elaborate, silly and fraught with danger. There’s nothing like looking at the wider picture, to put the smaller one into perspective. The only trouble with perspective however, is that it’s easy to lose, especially when the debs is just around the corner, and your daughter is losing hers.

So, for those of you whose daughters are about to engage in this Irish rite of passage, here are my top five tips for retaining perspective:

1. By way of preparation for the debs, boys are only required to turn up with a corsage, in suits which are too big in the shoulder and too short in the leg. It’s worth bearing this in mind before you let your mortgage fall into arrears. Try explaining to your daughter that if she gets her make-up done, fake tan applied and hair lacquered into an up-do in a salon, she will only come out looking exactly like she’s had her make-up done, fake tan applied, and hair lacquered into an up-do in a salon, which is a terrible look, truth be told.

2. Remember, the debs is only as dangerous as your offspring wants to make it. The danger shouldn’t exceed the limits of what normally happens when a bunch of teenagers corral themselves together to start drinking in earnest at 8pm, after getting the ball rolling with half a naggin at 6pm, on empty stomachs. You can try to avert these dangers when your daughter departs, by giving her this highly ineffective and contradictory warning: “Have fun, love, but don’t do anything silly, I mean it.” Alternatively you can say: “Don’t drink too much, I mean it,” which is even more pointless. If you’re a real worrier, bear in mind that the dangers of drinking naggins, etc don’t, at least, rival those of imbibing Wysoccan — the potentially lethal hallucinogen, a 100 times more powerful than LSD — which is administered to boys from the Algonquin tribe in Quebec, to mark their passage into manhood.

3. There is however, a curve ball phenomenon when it comes to dangers associated with the debs. For instance, my daughter’s friend tried to climb into the car boot in his tux — a ‘chivalrous’ act to try and allow my daughter and four others to squish into a five seater. I’m talking about a car boot which is impossible to access in any way from within the car, ie the kind of boot you would be arrested for putting your dogs in, the kind from which — it’s essential to remember — you must release the occupant after 20 minutes max, so that he doesn’t die from lack of oxygen.

4. If you find yourself on the brink of hiring a stretch limo, remember that the debs doesn’t signify much, as the following conversation illustrates:

Me: “What’s the Debs all about?”

Daughter: “Dunno really. Leaving school I guess.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Daughter: “Kind of a fun piss-up with all your mates.”

A rite of passage which is basically a “kind of a fun piss-up” merits restrained emotional and financial investment, not a stretch limo.

5. After you’ve given her a kiss and waved her off, go for a very brisk walk. If that doesn’t help and you find yourself fretting, think wider picture … wider picture … wider picture …