Tric Kearney: It's my life

While flicking through Facebook the other day, I stumbled across a celebrity I’d never seen before sharing with the world her secret to looking beautiful.

She appears to be living on a diet of some sort of nuts and everything green. 

“I like to work out at least four days a week,” she said while perched on a rock in a teeny bikini.

“Hmmph,” I hissed after every sentence I read, feeling an intense dislike towards this person I didn’t even know. The truth, of course, is I was just plain jealous and lazy. 

Like most of the female population, I’d welcome a bikini body but unfortunately, I love food and wine even more, while the mere thought of going to the gym makes me feel in need of a lie-down.

After the excesses of last Christmas, I realised it was unfair to believe the tumble dryer only selected my clothes to shrink. For a few months, I walked the legs off myself almost daily with friends and tried to make an effort to be more careful about what I ate. 

All was going great until yer man surprised me with a trip to Wroclaw in Poland. He’d bought the flights in a seat sale for half nothing, even though neither of us knew anything about the place other than it was in Poland.

We set off delighted to be free from everyday responsibilities. We enjoyed every minute of the three nights we spent there. ]

Unfortunately, I discovered that in those three nights I’d managed to eat and drink most of Poland and would possibly have to walk to Australia if I wished to see my waist again. I was back to square one and there was the added pain of summer holidays approaching.

I needed a quick fix. Perhaps I should do some exercises at home as well as walking, something to help me tone up a bit. 

I looked online but everything I saw involved actual physical activity which looked like way too much effort. Then I spotted an advertisement, “Flat stomach in four weeks.” 

I clicked on it and it read very simply, ‘Hold plank position for one minute three times a day’. Just in case I wasn’t fully convinced, there was an impressive before and after photo. 

I quickly did the maths. Three minutes’ exercise a day equals flat stomach. Surely I could do that?

I set the timer on my phone for one minute, lay on the floor and pushed up to plank position and waited. The last few seconds went on a while but overall I was impressive. ‘Once an athlete, always an athlete,’ I thought as I began minute number two.

Ten seconds later I was in Hell. My body had begun to shake, my arms vibrating off the floor. Perhaps that would burn a few calories as my six pack developed. 

I closed my eyes hoping to stick it out until 50 seconds were up. What, only 30 seconds gone! Was this phone even working? Finally 60 seconds was up. I nearly broke my nose as my body crashed to the floor.

Lying there, I thought about the final minute I’d yet to do. I’d be lucky if I were able to push myself up to a sitting position. The joy of a flat stomach was wearing off. Sure wasn’t I lucky to be healthy?

Stumbling towards the couch I waited for the ache in my arms to ease. Maybe I needed to rehydrate after my efforts. 

Perhaps a bar of chocolate would also help. As I made my way to the kitchen I caught sight of myself in the mirror.

Wow, was it only my imagination, or did I look slimmer already?

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