You shouldn’t feel pressured into having sex

Q I am 17 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year. At first we simply kissed and cuddled but we quickly moved on to heavy petting. On a couple of occasions we’ve got close to having sex, which to be honest I found a bit upsetting. I don’t want to get pregnant and I don’t want to lose my virginity in a friend’s grubby bedsit. What do you think?

A It can be confusing when you’ve been physically intimate and decide not to go on to penetrative sex. Let’s look at what is happening. You are going out with your boyfriend for over a year and I presume you enjoy being with him but you are unsure about what you want to do next.

At 17 you are a sensual human with sexual feelings. You are developing and at a significant transition stage. Moving from adolescence to adulthood is a process. You have to think about how you want to start out as an adult.

This is a time of development. You are learning skills about how to be in relationship, and also how to begin and indeed end a relationship.

At 17 what is most important is to look at the relationship you have with yourself — how you see yourself as person and as a woman. Most adolescents are preoccupied with body image, which is related to self-esteem.

When changes in the body are happening, a young girl may be preoccupied about whether she is attractive to others and her self-esteem grows if she is accepted by the peer group. There is a desire to feel attractive and to be loved.

There can be confusing pressure on teens to see sexual activity as normal rather than as something they may choose to leave until later when they have developed a greater sense of self.

Confidence grows in making relationships that feel right.

From time to time in my work, I hear people talking about early experiences and that it was expected of them to engage in sex. The experience was not always as they would have liked and they feel they may have rushed into something they were not ready for at that time.

When we are attracted to someone, the feelings are intense. Physically you may be ready for sex but what about emotionally and socially? Think about your beliefs and values.

You are right about pregnancy and the ‘grubby bedsit’ doesn’t seem too enticing. Don’t put yourself under pressure, take your time and do what feels right for you. Whenever you are sexual, now or later, be sure to practise safe sex.