Trading places

IT HAS been another long, tiring day. You are lying in bed, trying to sleep, when suddenly your partner starts caressing your body. He is obviously in the mood for sex. Do you roll over and enjoy it? Or do you agree, but then start thinking about what “reward’’ you want in return?

According to the latest research nearly one in ten women admit to having sex for presents. In their book, Why Women have Sex, authors Cindy Meston and David Buss interviewed more than 1,000 women from all over the world and were “surprised’’ how many said they used sex as a “form of bargaining-power’’.

“The degree to which economics plays out in sexual motivations surprised me,’’ says Buss, a professor of psychology at The University of Texas. “Sex economics plays out in the most regular of relationships. Women have sex so that the guy will mow the lawn, take out the garbage, go out for dinner.’’

Annie, 36, a nurse and mother of three children who is from Dublin admits she has often had sex with her husband in exchange for a “reward’’ and so that he will “owe’’ her.

“I know if I put a smile on my husband’s face, he will be more willing to let me have what I want,’’ she explains. “I work full-time, then come home, help the children with their homework and collapse into bed at 10pm, wrecked. The last thing I want is sex.

“But my husband has a higher sex drive than me. I don’t want to keep saying ‘No’ so I do give in, make sure he is happy, and then he owes me a reward.’’

When she first met her husband, Annie says they had a healthy sex life and she enjoyed it as much as he did. But after the birth of their first child, things quickly changed.

Constantly tired and drained by the sleepless nights, Annie was also upset by the changes in her body and their sex life suddenly became non-existent.

Not surprisingly, this is a common problem. “Unfortunately, for a lot of women, sex goes down their list of priorities, whereas for most men it will stay at the top of the list,’’ explains Lisa O’Hara, a counsellor with Relationship Ireland.

At once stage, after nearly a year of abstinence, Annie could see it was taking a toll on her husband. She knew he still loved her, adored their baby, and that they had a good relationship — but was it enough? Her husband then told her he could not live in a sexless marriage.

So she decided it was important to “put a smile’’ on both of their faces. In the good old days her “reward’’ would be a weekend away with the girls to New York. Now it is a few days away with her friends at a spa. Doesn’t she feel guilty?

“Not at all,’’ she insists. ” I just want me-time away from the children, that’s my pleasure. I give him what he wants, so he’s happy as well, and don’t forget they are his children too.’’

Although many might be surprised and shocked by these findings and attitude, O’Hara points out that people will generally always “meet the needs’’ of their partner, even if their own are very different.

“We all do things in relationships — even if you take the sex out of it — to satisfy the other person, and so they will do things to satisfy us,’’ she says.

“It is like when the man goes shopping with you, he has no interest in it, but he does it to keep you happy. It works the same with sex.’’

Bridget, 48, a mother of two from Co Roscommon, believes her husband has realised that their sex life dramatically improves every month, once the Visa bill arrives, but that he doesn’t appear to mind.

“I do feel a bit guilty,’’ she says. “We never talk about it, but our sex life is definitely linked to how high the bill is. If I have maxed it out, he knows he is in for a good time.’’

Mark Regnerus, a sociology professor at the University of Texas believes sexual economics exists in a large majority of relationships.

“One of the biggest unacknowledged facts about sex is the underlying economy to it all,’’ he says. “When you look into it, it is really amazing how it works, and it is fairly elementary as well. We put a price tag on sex. You might not think we ought to do that, but we do.’’

Helene, 45, a teacher from Dublin, openly admits to putting a “price tag” on sex and believes it has actually improved her relationship with her husband. “It sounds funny I know, but I will put more effort into sex if there is something I want,’’ she says. “It could be a new dress, a weekend away, anything.

“I know what I want and will make sure I get it. So I’ll seduce him, do whatever it takes and he is certainly not complaining.’’

But is this manipulative behaviour healthy in a relationship? Larry Brennan, a counsellor and psychotherapist with About Counselling, in Dublin, thinks most men realise what the situation is, and may even find it arousing

“Of course, the man would realise exactly what is happening, they would pick up on the body language and so on,’’ he says.

“They might be amused by it, depending upon the relationship, they might just think: ‘Oh, there she goes again’. He might find it a turn–on. There are no hard and fast rules, it depends if the relationship is okay. If the manipulation is malicious, well then that is a different story.”

Communication is the key to resolving this situation. The couple should openly talk about what is happening in their sex life and if they are happy to allow this “game” to continue.

“If there is genuine love and caring between them then they should be able to talk and even laugh about it,’’ says Brennan.

O’Hara agrees and says the husband should try to understand why his wife believes she should be rewarded for having sex, and must realise he has to help her actually desire him to break this pattern.

“If he cares, he might want to see if there is anything he could do to increase her desire,’’ she says. “Maybe help around the house a bit more, help her with the children, listen to her a bit more. Improve her own desire so that she wants to have sex with him. There are a lot of things he could do.’’

Limari Colon, who writes a blog for the Huffington Post about being a first-time mum, couldn’t agree more. She was shocked that her husband still wanted sex even after seeing her “covered in baby poo, baby puke and baby pee which can make the most confident of women feel as sexy as a pile of dirt’’.

Two months after the birth, her husband took his lead from the sex economics theorists. He rolled up his sleeves and agreed to mind their baby for the afternoon, and paid for her to have lots of treatments at their local spa.

“I felt beautiful and charming, so it paid off for that day,’’ she recalls. “For the past few months, things have started to pick up. He has learned, through talk and arguing and more talk and arguing that helping out with the household chores, taking the baby for a while so I can nap and other little things are more arousing than parading naked in front of me.

“Waving your cute butt in front of your wife will not do anything for your sex life. Doing the dishes, the laundry and putting the baby to sleep, now that will raise more than an eyebrow or two.’’