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Talk and touch can help ease premature ejaculation
Q My partner suffers from premature ejaculation. I’ve tried to bring it up but he doesn’t want to discuss it, saying it just means we need to have sex more often. But even when our sex life is active — every second day — it’s still over in five minutes. I never reach an orgasm and find it very frustrating. My guilty escape is having sexual fantasies about other men while using a sex toy. I am 29 years old.
By Marie Daly
APremature ejaculation is very common, especially for younger men, though not exclusively. But just because your partner has his orgasm, it doesn’t have to be the end of the encounter. He needs to learn how to pleasure you so that you too can have a fulfilling experience. However, for this to happen you first have to talk about what is happening sexually, about what you would like and steer clear from any blame. He is probably upset and embarrassed by what happens. Premature ejaculation happens when a man gets excited too quickly and this can spoil the pleasure for both. The cause of premature ejaculation is the same as any ejaculation — sexual excitement becomes intense. The man has reached the point of no return. But for you there is the frustrating let down.
There is a technique that he could learn to help recognise the point of inevitability. He stimulates himself with his hand until he feels he is going to come and stops, lets the erection go and starts again. On the third round of self-stimulation he comes to orgasm. Then you could do the same for him. It is about relaxing and being aware of each other.
From your letter it sounds like your love making is rushed. Talk to your partner and take time with touch and massage. If your love making is over in five minutes, you are really missing the pleasure of sensual touch and really connecting. Relax and concentrate on giving and receiving touch. Enjoy it without expectations.
Try to let go thinking about failure and performance. Enjoying the touch and feel of your bodies can help to increase sensual and sexual awareness. Start a conversation with your partner about the sex you are having and encourage him to open up about his needs.
With regard to sexual fantasy — this is very normal, but is so often riddled with guilt. The same can often apply to using a sex toy. In fantasy you are using your imagination and this helps you. If you were fantasising about food would you feel guilt? Try and let the guilt go.
Finally, seeing a psychosexual therapist could help.
Clarification: With reference to last week’s feature article on female orgasms, in which our columnist Marie Daly, was quoted, she wishes to point out that people in general should not act out their fantasies, unless both partners are in agreement that this is what they want to do.
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