Should I tell my wife of 35 years that I am gay or live a lie?

I’ve been married for 35 years and we have two adult children. I am due to retire next year and want to break free and be my true self. I’ve been faithful to my wife, who is kind and loyal, but I’ve always been attracted to men. I know it would cause huge upset if I started experimenting at this stage of my life, but a deep part of myself that needs to be expressed. What do you think?

A: You are right, your homosexuality is a deep part of who you are. You are now faced with the decision to either disclose or keep silent. Only you can make this choice.

You have been attracted to men for decades and have struggled with your sexual orientation throughout your long marriage. You may have thought, when you entered a heterosexual relationship, that you would settle and ‘forget’ about your preference. Also, 40 years ago it was very difficult to come out as gay. Societal attitudes to gay and lesbian issues were often hostile and unforgiving. And, so you met a woman and took the marriage route with her, despite being attracted to men. It is a commitment you obviously took seriously, as you have been faithful to her through the years.

Let’s look at this from the perspective of your wife. It often follows that when a spouse discloses that they are gay or lesbian the other spouse feels rage. Their partner knew that their attraction was to the same sex, yet decided to form a traditional relationship. Your wife will feel that her life has been lived as a lie. These feelings are very strong. More than likely, she will be in a state of shock. If you disclose, you will have to be prepared for this. You know who you are, but she is in the marriage in good faith.

Presumably, there were ups and downs in your marriage, and you resolved them. There are rocky times in most relationships. But this will be totally unexpected and comes at a time when you were about to enter a new phase in your relationship with her.

Also, you have adult children. This will impact them, too. They may be accepting of your sexuality, but they will be deeply aware of the distress it is creating. There is also a risk the wider family will turn against you. This is more likely because of the upset and the secret, rather than your sexual orientation.

You have some very difficult decisions to face. I cannot tell you what course of action to take. Acknowledging one’s homosexuality can be a lengthy process. This issue runs very deep and I would urge you to find a therapist and take a deep look at yourself first.

Then, think about how to move forward with your life. Take your time and look at every aspect and don’t rush into taking any action, until you are secure in yourself. If, and when, you disclose there will be fallout.

Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com nPlease send your letters to [e-mail]