You’ve had two abortions and this news has probably triggered deep emotions in you.
¦ I am dating a guy since last summer, but it’s a distance relationship. He suggested living together by early next year. We are in contact daily.
Recently, he got a call from his ex saying she is pregnant and that he is the father. She wants to have the baby; he doesn’t want to abandon the baby. He doesn’t want to be with her and says he wants me to stay.
I understand: I have had two abortions. He said he wants to have a baby with me but he doesn’t want to be married just to be in a partnership.
Is it worth investing in this relationship? We are in our mid-30s.
>> This is a complex situation. Your relationship began last summer and you are in constant contact, but it is long-distance. You haven’t had a chance to really get to know and trust him.
In any new relationship, trust takes time to develop. Yet, you have plans to be together early next year.
It seems you are rushing into things without the important, early stages of being in love and discovering each other and how you both think.
You are now faced with a dilemma. His ex-partner is pregnant and he is the father. Were you aware that he had just come out of a relationship? Or was he still in the relationship when he met you?
You got close very quickly, and now he is to be the father of a child with another woman. This may be very difficult for you, as he maintains a relationship with the baby and has access visits.
The support is a factor, but also the emotional connection to his child. Emotionally, this could be very difficult as he starts to develop a relationship with his child. No matter what happens in his life, in the future he will always be the biological father of that child.
This is totally unexpected and has left you feeling confused and probably angry. It is only natural to question the relationship when it already was very important to you. You had begun to have dreams and hopes of a future together.
You’ve had two abortions in the past and this news has probably triggered deep emotions in you. They are part of your history and I am sure that was a very difficult time in your life. Now, the new man in your life is going to be a father.
Often, we don’t have control of emotions. In your situation, this could be stirring very strong and stressful feelings.
You may end up resenting him. It wasn’t part of the bargain that he would father a child that wasn’t yours. It is important that you face the feelings that you are experiencing. You could try and bury them, because of fear of losing him and not wanting to face the pain.
He is saying he wants a child with you. Where did this come from? Is it because he feels guilty? Or was this something you talked about before he was aware of the situation?
Then, there is his view that he wants a partnership, but not marriage. You have got to think about whether he is able to commit to any relationship. I would be fearful that he could move on again if the going gets tough and then you would be truly hurt.
There is a lot you don’t know. You need to be aware of what this relationship means to you. It seems you love him, but can you trust him? Because of the many complex issues involved, you should talk to relationship counsellor. There is too much at stake here.
Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.
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