He regrets one-night stand, but how do I move on?

QMy husband of 20 years has admitted to having a one-night stand with a younger woman he met at a work conference. I am furious with him and feel he has damaged our family — we have three teenage children. I know it’s probably a mid-life crisis and that he was hugely flattered by the woman’s attention, but I’ve no intention of forgiving him any time soon. He says he deeply regrets what he did but how can I ever trust him again? Sex is off the agenda right now. I can’t bear to have him near me.

APart of the deal when you get married is that you remain faithful to each other. And when trust is broken the hurt runs deep and the damage can be difficult to repair.

It’s understandable that you have reacted with anger, fury and disbelief. But it is important to put what happened in context. A one night-stand is not an affair. Your husband, probably does not know why he took the risk. We could talk about mid-life crisis, as you suggested, but I wouldn’t get hung up on the cause. The fact is he was unfaithful. It may have been a once-off, sudden infatuation. He went along with the impulsive feelings but that was his choice. Now you both have to deal with the fallout.

For your part, there is a profound sense of betrayal. You may now doubt yourself and may be even comparing yourself to a younger woman. No doubt you are deeply disappointed and upset that he was attracted to someone else. And your self-confidence has taken a bash.

It is important to recognise that the relationship you had up to this point has changed, and you may need to grieve for the time when you felt secure and loved within the relationship.

He deeply regrets what happened and is also probably feeling guilty. Shame and guilt often go hand in hand. He may see no way forward and is full of blame.

This is a key time for both of you to look at what you want in the relationship. Two decades on, a relationship will be different to when you first married.

You two must talk. First he needs to hear what it is like for you and hear how he has hurt you and the pain it has caused. You will probably want to come back to this fairly often; he will want to move on and find it hard to understand your need to go back.

However, if you continue to punish him you will both feel hopeless about the future. There is a lot at stake here — the relationship, your years together and your family. Is it worth fighting for? Only the two of you know this.

From my work with couples dealing with infidelity, I know there can be repair and the relationship can move on.

It is not easy but if you start talking and really listen to each other, a new way for you and the relationship can start to develop. You may find this very difficult and if it is too much, find a couples’ therapist to help you.