Ask Audrey: You won’t miss $300, it’s not like you are from Turners Cross

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello dear. I got a message on my computer just there saying it had been taken over by a worm and I would have to pay a $300 ransom in something called bitcoin. You’d get more sense out of a Kerryman. Anyway, I’m very sad about this as I can’t get at the photos I’m using to blackmail Gerard up at the bridge club. Do you think I should pay? — Marie, Model Farm Rd, let’s just say he spent a weekend in Kinsale

I hear you. I don’t think you’d miss $300 — it’s not like you live in Turners Cross. If it’s any consolation, this wasn’t the only virus to hit us this week. I hear they are also struggling to control the latest outbreak of delusions of grandeur below in Ballycotton.

C’mere, I seen a thing on the paper about metre-long rodents that have suddenly appeared in the River Lee. What’s the story there like? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, sure I have a dog that’s smaller than that

All the Norries do — sure you wouldn’t have room for anything bigger in your house. I rang the National Parks and Wildlife Service there, who said the creature has webbed feet, bright orange teeth, and they have never seen the like of it before. I said you’ve obviously never been on the bus to Macroom. These rodents are causing havoc near the river down in Blackrock. My Posh Cousin rang me in tears last night because her house is no longer worth a million.

I said cheer up, I’ve a joke for you — what do you call a dirty rat that wrecked house prices in Blackrock? She said go on. I said a banker. She said that’s a bit close to the bone down in Blackrock. I said why? She said Blackrock is full of bankers. I said is that some kind of rhyming slang? She didn’t get it.

Hello old stock. My beloved mother hasn’t long left now, and to be honest she’s costing us a fortune in the nursing home. Do you know how I might suggest she should slip away, as it were, and save us all a fortune? — Reggie, Maryborough Hill, she’ll be missed

But not as much as the Range Rover you were hoping to buy with the inheritance. Tell me about it. I married my Conor after he gave me a peek of his mother’s bank balance. I had picked out a house in Crookhaven and all, but didn’t the old bat leave it to charity. As I said at the time, it’s not like the poor people who will benefit from this are stuck married to a dweeby ex-Pres boy.

Anyway, I think I have a solution to your problem. It’s a well-known fact that people in Douglas would rather die than live next door to a Norrie. So, call down to your mother there now and tell her she has new neighbours.

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself had the second glass of wine last night and didn’t she blurt out that the only way to revive our love life is if I get a back, sack, and crack. I looked it up on the internet and ended up on some right wild looking websites, let me tell you. Anyway, do you know where I could get such a thing without news spreading all over Dunmanway? – Ger Ger Ger, Dunmanway, what’s a Brazilian?

About 55 quid and three nights of sobbing yourself to sleep. I just rang a friend with a male grooming business here in town, it’s called Will He Wax? (Great name.) I asked him to give you a call and to speak really slowly, because you’re from Dunmanway.

I also let him know you are a West Cork man from farming stock looking to clear some hair off his body, so he is well aware he will need a loan of a hedge-trimmer.

Ciao, my mother is visiting me here in Cork for the month. She has fallen in love with a Dungarvan man, and plans to marry him. I met his family recently and the good news is I did not fall in love with one of his daughters. The bad news is I fell in love with two of his daughters. What can I do, eh? – Paulo, Milan and Ballincollig, is it taboo in Ireland to marry a member of your family?

I hear it’s verging on compulsory down in Dungarvan. I remember Mother started doing a line with a fella after my father ran away with an acrobat. We were all devastated because this new guy was only from the poor end of Glasheen Rd. And then I met his son.

There was so much chemistry between us, not to mention biology. I said we could be related very soon. He said I’ll be so quick, you won’t believe it. I said I’m married to my Conor, so nothing comes as a surprise.

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