Ask Audrey: My sexy wife has offered to dress as Jean Byrne and read the weather

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of free-love merchants in Bantry and said I can try something perverted for my birthday. I’m torn between wearing a pair of her knickers when I’m playing pitch and putt, or getting her to dress up as your one Jean Byrne and read out the weather from Met.ie. Would do you reckon yourself? — Jim Dicky Denis, Glengarriff, is there anything to be said for spanking?

I usually just say I’ve been a very naughty girl and my Conor legs it upstairs to get his table-tennis bat. I have to say, I find pitch and putt disgusting, no matter whose knickers you are wearing.

Imagine advertising that you can’t afford to play golf.

I like the Jean Byrne idea but you might struggle to find a fancy-dress shop in West Cork.

I’m a history teacher from Killarney, working in Cork. I was fascinated to hear about the remains of a near-human species in South Africa. How could I bring this alive for my pupils? — Fiona, Wilton, I can’t wait to hear how much money we’ll get from the public sector pay talks.

It can’t be easy for you, paying for a three-month holiday every year. I saw that story on the news Tuesday night, when they did a piece about a species known as homo naledi. The reporter said they were primitive, had very small brains and lived alongside fully evolved human beings.

I turned to my Conor and said that sounds like Kerry people. (No offence.) He said I’d do well to remember that his mother is from Tralee.

I said how could I forget, with her remarks that we’re like royalty with our hand-soap and changing our underwear when it isn’t even the weekend.

What’s the story horse? I seen there that they are looking for Cork actors for a TV version of that Young Offenders crack, hey. I’m from Monaghan meself, so I am, and was wondering what I would need to do to persuade people I’m from Cork. What would you recommend, hey? — Wee Willie, Castleblayney, please get back to me as soon as possible.

I will, as soon as I stop laughing at your name. I’d say things are fairly quiet for you on Tinder. Transforming a Monaghan person into a Corkonian is one of life’s great challenges, so it is, hey. (It’s up there with teaching a Norry how to play tennis.)

I tried the Cork conversion recently for a client from Clones. We had him up to a South Tipperary person after two weeks of non-stop elocution and eating off a plate.

Unfortunately, the last leg of the transformation from Tipp person to Cork person proved impossible because I couldn’t get my power hose to work.

We tried to get some of it off with a chisel, but no dice.

My five-year old son, Carlo, has a substitute teacher at school. The problem is she’s from Millstreet and now Carlo is starting to speak like a bogman. When I told him to hurry on the other day, he said, “Stop the lights, lads, I’d be demented with your auld ráiméis.” If I wanted him speaking gibberish, I’d have sent him to Gaelscoil. — What do you think I can do? Laura, Ballintemple, I knew we should have sent him to Pres.

It’s never too early to give your child a sense of entitlement. In fairness, this teacher accent thing is a real problem for southsiders in Cork.

My Posh Cousin got an awful fright when her son arrived home muttering like an angry tramp. It turns out his new maths teacher is from Ballyvolane.

I don’t see any solution. Let’s face it, graduates from Douglas and Sunday’s Well are as likely to go into teaching as they are to go on holidays in Garryvoe.

I heard during the week Garth Brooks might play in Pairc Uí Chaoimh. Obviously I’ll leg it to Crookhaven that weekend, because Blackrock will be heaving with sunburned plumbers from Mullingar. How much do you think I’d make if I let out my house on Airbnb? — Monica, Blackrock, I’d only let it to Garth fans with a bit of taste.

Good luck finding one of them. My Posh Cousin made a very good point when I asked her about this. She said if you open your house up for a weekend, the only tenants you’ll get are snooping social climber types from Bishopstown.

I said are there any other types in Bishopstown? She said there might be, but she’s never actually met one of them.


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