Ask Audrey: I haven’t laughed so much since someone invited me on a walking tour of Limerick

Got a dilemma? No problem! Ask Audrey has all the answers.

I’m deva that the government are going to put a stop to free G&Ts at the hairdressers. Not that I can’t afford to pay (Martin is well up in the mid six figures), but the loose lips after a few scoops is a great way to get the dirt on my neighbours in Maryborough Hill. (Miriam’s daughter-in-law only went to Christ the King. Imagine!) Do you have any pull in Dáil Eireann, to put a stop to this new bill?
Mindy, Douglas, I’ve started getting my hair done three times a week, do you think I might have an addiction?

To what, gossip or gin?

If it’s the former, then I’d recommend Gossip Anonymous.

They meet every Tuesday night in the Imperial and try not to talk about what Gerald caught on his ‘golf trip’ to Lanzarote (not his first time either, apparently).

I asked my TD friend if he could stop the new alcohol bill.

He said no, the government is determined there will be no more free drink at a place of work.

I said unless it’s in Leinster House.

He said that’s not a place of work.

Hello old stock. Nervous times here in Chez Reggie. The wife Marjorie is praying that Ireland gets to host the 2023 Rugby, so myself, Hoggy and Gordon don’t get a fortnight in France roaring: “You’re a gorgeous girl, altogether” at les lovely ladies. As you can imagine, I’m shouting for France. Is there anything I can do to make sway the bigwigs in World Rugby?
— Reggie, Blackrock Road, I’m planning a huge extension

I heard rumours alright that you’re short on the manhood front.

I had a quick look at the Irish bid for you.

The one thing that stands out is a guarantee that if we win the rights, hotel prices won’t go bananas in Dublin around match time.

Funny!

I haven’t laughed so much since someone invited me on a walking tour of Limerick.

He said, is it because you lack the right shoes?

I said no, it’s because I lack Taekwon-Do.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Wasn’t I apprehended by a camera crew from Sky in Castletownbere yesterday and asked to give my thoughts on the EuroMillions winners on Bere Island. When it was shown later that night, didn’t they put subtitles on it like I was some mad foreigner, and now everyone down here is calling me Jerry from Japan. Herself has taken to the bed with the mortification and let it be known that I need some form of elocution lessons. Can you help?
— Ger Ger Jerry, Castletownbere, t’wont be cheap I ’pose.

What?

Anyway, you’ve come to the right place.

I run an elocution course called BBC Speak for Baffling Bogmen.

It has a number of modules, with titles like: ‘How to finish a sentence without using ‘as the fella says’ and ‘Back Along isn’t actually a direction’.

I offer two levels, depending on your experience.

The four-week course is called Standard Plus.

We also offer a two-year variant for people with no English.

That’s called Kanturk (it’s a nightmare to stop them using clicks and whistles instead of ‘hello’).

Ciao. I am seeing this beautiful woman from Ballyvolane. I love everything about this girl, her eyes, her hair, the way she travels for work so I can go into Crane Lane and find someone else for a night. The only problem is every time we meet her father, he says: ‘Be careful of Fat Tony girl, he do be in the mafia.’ I’m not Fat, or Tony, or in the mafia. Should I say something?
— Pepe, Bologna and Bishopstown, I can’t pass a mirror without puckering up my lips

I’m the same with Simon Zebo.

It’s awful the way he’s stereotyping you, as an Italian.

Why don’t you make him an offer he can’t refuse?

Seriously, I hate all forms of stereotyping.

I asked my neighbour from Killorglin if she has ever felt stereotyped as a Kerry thicko.

She said, ‘what’s a stereotype?’ I was going to say ‘that’s ironic’, but we’d have ended up there all afternoon.

C’mere, what’s the story with childcare. My son and his wife do be high-flyers so they leave their one-year-old with me, to be minding him like. I brings the young fella into the bookie with me every morning, but says nothing to his Mam because she do be having notions. The good news is the small boy is a lucky charm and I’m up three-grand in a month. The bad news is his parents do be talking of putting him into a creche. Can you think of any way for me to stop them?
— Paul, address withheld.

This is a tricky one.

‘My son missed school to help his Grandad go gambling’ sounds like bad parenting, even on the northside.

I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.

The small boy will be talking soon.

Do you really want his first sentence to be: “Granda do be making a fortune combining horses and greyhounds?”


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