Lady of the Bling embarks on precious journey Down Under

THERE’S definitely something about Mary when she steps onto a plane.

At home she’s the epitome of Ms Meek and Modest, but once she hits taxpayer-funded business class, a sudden transformation ensues.

She left our shores as the mild-mannered Minister for Major Medical Mess-ups, but her little jaunt to New Zealand saw her arrive in Lord of the Rings land as La Harney – Lady of the Bling.

It was the same story on that trip to Florida as Enterprise Minister and the little matter of the $400 hair and nails bill at the beauty parlour us tax chumps stumped up for.

And what’s a girl to do on a “fact-finding” mission to the States in 2008, except delight the crowds at the Super Bowl with your political superstar presence?

Now it is New Zealand’s turn to experience the Dublin Mid West diva as she embarks on a gruelling round of official dinners and meet and greets with the local Irish community – sorry, a deeply serious trade mission which may well single-handedly lift Ireland out of the slump.

Except that New Zealand is just about the last country in the Western world where that shameless excuse for junketeering could work, because, along with our own dear old Republic, it’s one of the biggest basket case economies going.

Indeed, so poor are the Kiwis that they even had to suffer the national humiliation of abolishing their air force because they could no longer afford to run it – so don’t expect La Harney to come back with a crate of contracts from the Land of the Long White Cloud to our own Land of the Long Winding Dole Queue.

But La Harney must at least deserve praise for expanding the 24 hours of St Patrick’s Day into 15 full days of taxpayer-funded fun for her, her husband and her “crew” of three advisers – funny how she can make a jaunt to the southern sun increase so easily when she is so used to cutting back healthcare at home.

La Harney’s tale of boosting trade is so fantastic it remains slightly less credible than that other epic fantasy played out in New Zealand – as Labour leader Eamon Gilmore noted when he mused the Health Minister had: “An itinerary that reads more like the Lord of the Rings trail – the only thing missing from it is an invitation for dinner hosted by Bilbo Baggins.”

No doubt, Mr Gilmore – never lacking in confidence in his own abilities – sees himself as the JRR Tolkien puppet-master of the piece and disdainfully regards his opposition buddy, Enda Kenny, as Gandalf the Grey – but he should remember the wily old wizard did bring the Blueshirts back from the dead.

And the Greens present themselves as perfect Hobbit-fodder, running around Middle Earth Éire confused and scared in the shadow of what the opposition would call the servants of the Dark Lord Sauron – Fianna Fáil.

So terrified is the Greens’ top triumvirate that one of them will let “the precious thing” slip from their grasp and blurt out details of the ridiculous deal to rotate their cabinet seats, John Gormley, Eamon Ryan and Ciarán Cuffe now insist on going about en-masse to keep an eye on each other.

It’s a curious sight, Cuffe looks ominously chuffed, Gormley huffs, and Ryan bluffs. This is not going to end well. But then the way Lady of the Bling is carrying on Down Under, there may well be an extra cabinet chair for them to share after all.