Blowing the cover on a stormy political marriage

Monday, July 16, 2012

It is the badly written potboiler that everyone is talking about: Fifty Shades Of Fine Gael.

The compelling story of a doomed, self-loathing affair, electrified by the surging undertone of sadomasochistic pain, coupled with the tingle of ultimate power.

It is an ugly mirror to the wild, unpredictable shotgun marriage between the Blueshirts and Labour set against the backdrop of a torrid, unforgiving world.

This is not “mummy porn”, it is no-money porn — austerity for adults — and the Irish Examiner can exclusively reveal extracts. Read on — if you dare.

“It unleashed in her that pulsing throb of anticipation she knew so well as a dangerous look flashed across Enda’s eyes and he commanded in a low, almost menacing growl: ‘Fetch me the whip — it’s time for some discipline.’ The Taoiseach was clearly annoyed Government chief whip Paul Keogh was nowhere to be seen and had not nipped this backbench rebellion in the bud as Mr Kenny told the secretary to locate him.”

“The competing feelings of joy and blessed relief were almost too much for Big Phil Hogan to bear: ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ he exclaimed: ‘I have gone two full days without presiding over a major government disaster!’”

“‘Tighter! Tighter!’ Michael Noonan squealed in delight, as the finance department mandarins danced around him binding ministerial budgets ever more rigidly as the delicious pain tore into Spending Plan 2013.”

“Enda had never known a threesome like it: ‘Jeez, these troika boys are insatiable’, he moaned loudly as the IMF/EU/ECB triumvirate plonked their latest demands down on his desk at the beginning of the eighth quarterly inspection.”

“Her inner goddess triumphal, Joan Burton knew no man would ever deny her again. She was in control now — the first four weeks of statutory sick pay would be met by employers and that was an end to it, she whispered knowingly to the Tánaiste as he tremored in front of her.”

“Young Leo Varadkar had never felt the smack of firm government from Enda before, but he now knew he liked it, and something had changed deep within him — he would never break the Cabinet consensus on Croke Park again.”

“Pat Rabbitte was master now and would finally put the Energy into Minister as he let rip and made his most explicit command yet on climate change, fixing the quivering Leinster House usher with a steely gaze he demanded: ‘Close that window — it’s getting a bit chilly’.”

“Richard Bruton’s sighs echoed through the long night — he was well and truly spent now, he knew he did not have another heave in him.”

“‘Give it to me!’ the bailed-out fatcat banker hissed as the tearful mortgage-slave woman removed her engagement ring and threw it at him in despair to comply with the strictures laid out in Alan Shatter’s Personal Insolvency Bill so she would qualify for a debt-resolution settlement with her lender for non-solvent credit under €20,000.”

“Pointing to the bed, James Reilly smiled playfully, and in a slow murmur declared: ‘We won’t be needing that’ — it was the latest of 600 public hospital beds the health minister had decided to get rid of, anxious doctors noted.”

“‘Your disadvantage is my joy,’ Ruairi Quinn announced with a hint of cruelty in his voice as the education minister insisted the cuts to 200 teaching posts in schools in deprived areas would go ahead to re-direct much needed resources elsewhere.”

“Enda knew he owned her now — and could do with her as he pleased. All of which made the Taoiseach even more perplexed as to why the nationalised Bank of Ireland was still not lending nearly enough to struggling small and medium businesses.”

“Chuckling darkly to himself, ‘Big’ Phil Hogan thought: ‘We all know what I’m doing is nasty — but those fools are too stupid to realise it is cheap as well.’ Yes, the environment minister was adamant that the household tax was a necessary evil — and a snip at just €100.”

“The tears welled-up in Lucinda Creighton’s eyes as she slammed the door behind her in rage. She had caught another Labour minister in bed with the unions despite all their promises to her that they would be faithful to the programme for government. She felt betrayed.”

“It had been an unusual position for him at first, but he had grown to like it — yes, being sports minister was not nearly as bad as Leo Varadkar had feared.”

“That momentary sensation of euphoria had drained from him now, replaced by a growing feeling of guilt and shame. Public Expenditure Reform Minister Brendan Howlin could barely look himself in the bathroom mirror as he thought: ‘Should I really have cut benefits for disabled teenagers by half?’”

“Simon Coveney knew that society would judge him, and many would think what he was about to do was wrong, but it was too late — he could not stop himself now even if he wanted to. He entered the bus lane with ease and much satisfaction, safe in the knowledge that no gardaí would touch him.”

“Despite herself, she could not but admire his stamina — 5.30am and Enda was still relentless with her. It was at that moment Angela Merkel decided to give Mr Kenny his bank debt writedown as the all-night EU heads of government meeting wore on.”

“Enda knew that these group sessions could get out of control — but the F word? And from a Mayo woman? The weekly Fine Gael parliamentary party meeting bristled with tension as TD Michelle Mulherin resumed her seat after announcing: ‘Fornication, I would say, is probably the single most likely cause of unwanted pregnancies in this country’.”

To be continued.Home