Why it’s best to keep quiet on the subject of religion

I WOULD really like to make use of this column space to express my horror at the international violence caused by some stupid film made by an unknown muppet in California.

But should I? Should I dare say anything? I’m hardly Salman Rushdie, I know, but is it safe to express disgust at violence when the angry people involved are defending their religion’s honour?

Should I mention the name of the religion, or the figure this unseen-by-anyone film is said to insult? Probably best not to, in case someone doesn’t read this but riots anyway. If I were one of the almost two billion members of this famously touchy religion, I would be really cross at how my religion gets portrayed — it’s like football hooligans giving the vast majority of football supporters a bad name. Or is that a blasphemous comparison? It’s not meant to be. It’s not meant to be disrespectful, or sarcastic, or anything-phobic.

I am not one of those right wing columnists who bangs on negatively about this religion, the one that dares not speak its name (well, I dare not, because if some moron with a camcorder can cause riots from Sudan to Afghanistan and the death of ambassadors, then who am I to mention anything by name?).

No, I consider myself fair and balanced in that I equally detest all organised religion, because it makes people think they are right. This causes bigotry, division, hatred, and gives stupid people platforms on which to preach their stupid messages. People who confuse beliefs with facts. Don’t get me started.

Actually, do get me started. A belief is not a fact. Beliefs are fine, believe whatever you want, just don’t call them facts. Because they are not. A female virgin being inseminated by a dove is a belief. Virgins of all kinds waiting for dead people in another existence is a belief. As is heaven, reincarnation, angels, miracles, hell, and the tooth fairy. Beliefs, all of them. Not facts. Facts are what you see in front of you, like children and trees and water boiling at one hundred degrees. Conversely, atheists believe there is nothing after death. This is also a belief. Why? Because it is not a fact. The fact is, we haven’t a bloody clue, which is why we have beliefs.

This is not to diss beliefs. We are pre-programmed to have them, and for millions it is beliefs which get us up in the morning. Whatever. But what drives me around the effing bend is when people take their beliefs and ram them down the throats of the unsuspecting. If your beliefs are that strong, what’s with all the insecurity? When Salman Rushdie was under 24/7 guard – only the Queen and the prime minister got the same level of protection — his special branch guys joked with him that his next book should have been Buddha: That Fat Bastard. But you know what? Buddha, a mere mortal, would have laughed.